Is that Jesus? NOPE! Chuck Testa!

Hey look… is that Jesus? NOPE! Just Chuck Testa of the Ojai Valley Taxidermy, California! Damn good job he’s done on this one, aye?

On the off chance that you haven’t seen the Chuck Testa meme yet and are not sure what that is all about, go ahead and watch the original Chuck Testa taxidermy commercial below. Note: Chuck Testa does not taxidermize pets, but if you have any dead messiahs you want to preserve in the most lifelike way possible, just send them his way.

This sign about what to do if you encounter a mountain lion left me wondering what it would look like if it were written strictly according to advice found in the Bible. So, I did a little bit of research and designed a Christian mountain lion motivational poster based on what I found.

After the poster, you’ll find the Bible passages that I drew upon for inspiration. I chose to quote the King James Version because the old style is funky and, as you’ll see, it’s got unicorns in!

'Have faith in God' Motivational poster

Here is the explanation, together with Bible quotes:

1. Praise God and be filled with confidence. He put this mountain lion there on purpose to test your faith. Have faith in God and you will have no trouble approaching the mountain lion safely because God’s right hand will save you.

¹I will praise thee with my whole heart: before the gods will I sing praise unto thee.

²I will worship toward thy holy temple, and praise thy name for thy loving kindness and for thy truth: for thou hast magnified thy word above all thy name.

³In the day when I cried thou answered me, and strengthened me with strength in my soul.

⁴All the kings of the earth shall praise thee, O LORD, when they hear the words of thy mouth.

⁵Yea, they shall sing in the ways of the LORD: for great is the glory of the LORD.

⁶Though the LORD be high, yet hath he respect unto the lowly: but the proud he knoweth afar off.

⁷Though I walk in the midst of trouble, thou wilt revive me: thou shalt stretch forth thine hand against the wrath of mine enemies, and thy right hand shall save me.

⁸The LORD will perfect that which concerneth me: thy mercy, O LORD, endureth for ever: forsake not the works of thine own hands.

Psalm 138

2. Actually, to be saved you have to ask first. Ask God to save you from the mountain lion by singing Psalm 22:21 over and over.

Save me from the lion’s mouth: for thou hast heard me from the horns of the unicorns.

Psalm 22:21

3. If you have any children with you, begin to sacrifice them to God. If you don’t have a knife handy, you can try throwing them to the mountain lion. God won’t actually let you do it, but this act will prove to him just how strong your faith is.

¹⁰And Abraham stretched forth his hand, and took the knife to slay his son.

¹¹And the angel of the LORD called unto him out of heaven, and said, Abraham, Abraham: and he said, Here am I.

¹²And he said, Lay not thine hand upon the lad, neither do thou any thing unto him: for now I know that thou fearest God, seeing thou hast not withheld thy son, thine only son from me.

Genesis 22:10-12

4. Have faith in God and he will do as you ask and intervene to save you from the mountain lion and make sure you are unharmed.

And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive.

Matthew 21:22

Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth.

Mark 9:23

That’s it! Now go home and pray to God to save the millions of sick and starving children all over the world with the same absolute faith that convinced him to save you from the mountain lion.

On the other hand, if you’re one of those who doesn’t believe in the Bible and you ever encounter a mountain lion (or any other kind of lion), good luck buddy. You’re on your own!

So, do you have enough faith to make this work? Got any better suggestions for dealing with a fierce mountain lion? Post a comment and let me know.