Pope Benedict XVI does his best Marilyn Monroe skirt impression

Who ever said the Pope’s not a PR wizard and spin doctor rolled into one?

Under fire for his infamous condom remarks, and still reeling from the flak (and a good beating) he got for them from old Uncle JC himself, Pope Benedict XVI’s latest publicity stunt sees him trying to distract us with no less than an impressive attempt at imitating Marilyn Monroe’s most famous billowing skirt pose.

Just take a look – he’s almost got it perfect! Bend those knees in, cock your head to the left, shrug your shoulders a little, oh… and get a good smile going, Mr. Pope, and you’re practically there. We’ll overlook the skinny legs and other obvious differences – I mean Marilyn Monroe’s figure is no easy feat to pull off, especially for a man of your age – but ten points for effort!

And what about that lipstick signature, complete with sexy heart? Is the Pope trying to make us believe that he is embracing free love after all? Hippie Jesus must have given him a good talking to about the true meaning of ‘love thy neighbor’! Or maybe the Pope is just trying to complete his imitation of sex kitten Marilyn Monroe.

Well, you know what? You’re not fooling us old man! And even though you made us laugh, we’re still angry about those irresponsible condom remarks that will be costing more lives than we could ever count.

Anyway, allow me to make a most interesting final observation: only the bottom part of Pope Benedict’s robe is being blown up. Take a look at his sleeves – they are completely unperturbed.

I wonder how he did that. I mean Marilyn Monroe is obviously enjoying the air that is blowing up through the grille she is standing on and lifting her skirt, but there is no grille in the Pope’s photo. Is this evidence of the Holy Spirit at work? Who knows!

FSM license plates in Florida

If you’re in Florida in the near future, you could very well be seeing Jesus license plates and license plates depicting a cross on cars as they whizz by.

These religious plates are currently up for consideration before the Florida Senate, and it will be no surprise if they do go through in the end. Mind you, the Christian lobby still has some hurdles to overcome, such as the lawsuit that is being threatened by Americans United if the Jesus license plates are approved.

Now, I wonder what will happen if the separation of church and state is brushed aside and the cross and Jesus license plates are indeed accepted. Will we have Flying Spaghetti Monster license plates too?

Actually, that might not be such a bad idea after all. Look at the sample FSM license plate I cooked up in a couple of minutes. Not bad eh? And I’m sure that a professional designer can do much better than I did at depicting the Flying Spaghetti Monster in all his noodly glory.

If you want your crucified blue-gray zombie Jesus license plates, be my guest.  We atheists will claim our right to have the Flying Spaghetti Monster watching over our license plates and catching you with his noodly appendages as you try to tailgate our works of art.

Oh, and did I say I’m booking FSM RMN already?

Russell

Spring is back, the godless flowers are in full bloom once again, and sales of our Atheist T-Shirts are really picking up! So far the top seller award goes to our popular Russell’s Teapot t-shirt.

The uninitiated among you must be wondering who is this Russell, and what is his Teapot doing on an atheist t-shirt – not to mention a best-selling one.

Let me explain.

You see, Russell’s Teapot is not an actual teapot that a guy called Russell used to brew tea in. Rather, it is a hypothetical celestial teapot that British philosopher Bertrand Russell (1872 – 1970) came up with to show how absurd it is to expect that it is up to a skeptic to disprove an untestable religious claim.

The next time anyone tries to bolster their arguments by saying something like, “But you can’t disprove God (or Jesus, Christianity, Islam, or whatever), so you have to respect that idea as a valid one,” just let them know about Russell’s Teapot. Or better still, have a good laugh by pointing to your Russell’s Teapot t-shirt that shows the Celestial Teapot against a starry sky and says:

The Church of the Celestial Teapot invites you to try and prove us wrong

and having them try and disprove your belief in Russell’s Teapot.

The small text on the t-shirt explains further: ‘We believe the infinitesimally small, all-powerful Holy Celestial Teapot created the Universe and orbits the Sun between Earth and Mars.’

The original teapot argument Bertrand Russell put forward in an unpublished 1952 article titled, “Is There a God?” goes like this:

If I were to suggest that between the Earth and Mars there is a china teapot revolving about the sun in an elliptical orbit, nobody would be able to disprove my assertion provided I were careful to add that the teapot is too small to be revealed even by our most powerful telescopes. But if I were to go on to say that, since my assertion cannot be disproved, it is an intolerable presumption on the part of human reason to doubt it, I should rightly be thought to be talking nonsense. If, however, the existence of such a teapot were affirmed in ancient books, taught as the sacred truth every Sunday, and instilled into the minds of children at school, hesitation to believe in its existence would become a mark of eccentricity and entitle the doubter to the attentions of the psychiatrist in an enlightened age or of the Inquisitor in an earlier time.

Since then, Russell’s Teapot has become one of the main symbols of atheism, seeing a surge in popularity when Richard Dawkins referred to it in his 2003 collection of essays, titled A Devil’s Chaplain, saying:

The reason organized religion merits outright hostility is that, unlike belief in Russell’s teapot, religion is powerful, influential, tax-exempt and systematically passed on to children too young to defend themselves. Children are not compelled to spend their formative years memorizing loony books about teapots. Government-subsidized schools don’t exclude children whose parents prefer the wrong shape of teapot. Teapot-believers don’t stone teapot-unbelievers, teapot-apostates, teapot-heretics and teapot-blasphemers to death. Mothers don’t warn their sons off marrying teapot-shiksas whose parents believe in three teapots rather than one. People who put the milk in first don’t kneecap those who put the tea in first.

So now you know. Rush out and order your Russell’s Teapot t-shirt today, and have some healthy fun getting those believers all tied up in knots!

What are you waiting for?

God’s now got his own airforce, and it’s not a bunch of cute, harmless disembodied cherubs, either.

We’re talking actual Top Gun here! Move over Tom Cruise and Kelly McGillis, and enter God’s Top Gun of Deliverance. Dr. Shine and Dee Dee from the Seed Faith International Church (I could have sworn it was ‘Speed Faith’) are going to swoop down like eagles from the sky and blast away any opposition they face.

Some preachers may be hiring their own jets, but Dr.Shine becomes one in this hilarious vid. And yes, it’s taken from an official Seed Faith International Church video, not some religion-mocking Top Gun mashup. So fire up your afterburners and get ready for a good laugh!

Ah well! Some evangelists are just wackier than others, I guess.

Christian quote on Town of Walker, Louisiana water bill

You think your water bill or other utility bills are outrageous? Wait until you see the ones they are sending out from the Town of Walker, Louisiana!

At first glance they look pretty much like any other water bill, until you get to the bottom, where it prominently says, and I quote, “NOTE: It is impossible to rightly govern the world without God and the Bible!”

Impossible? WTF? I mean, why specifically God and the Bible? Why not Allah and the Koran, or The Flying Spaghetti Monster and the hilarious Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster for that matter? Are those any worse than the Bible when it comes to rightly governing the world?

Tell me, Town of Walker! I want to know.

I could get started discussing who actually wrote the so-called ‘word of God’, and I’d never end if I had to tackle the merits of the Bible as an ideal book to govern the world by.

I could pull up a thousand quotes to show that the Bible is far from being an ideal book. I could be asking the good folks over at the Town of Walker, Louisiana if they think we should govern the world on the basis that women are inferior. I could ask the Town of Walker, Louisiana if they are suggesting we should stone our children to death when they disobey. I could ask them if they think that those who govern the world should go on a genocidal rampage against their enemies, as God has ordered time and again. I could ask them a thousand such questions, and have to listen to a thousand apologetic, evasive or circular arguments.

But I won’t, because there is a greater issue here. A much greater issue. What has a quote about God and the Bible ever got to do with a sodden water bill?

I’ll tell you what. It’s that all that some religious people think of is pushing their brainwashed beliefs down our throats at all costs, whenever they can, and in whatever way they can. They don’t care what you or I think. They don’t give a fuck. They know the ultimate truth, and that’s that.

Just that if you ask them why God and why the Bible, the answer you’ll get will most probably boil down to, ‘because God says so in the Bible’.

Way to go Town of Walker, Louisiana. Now all the world will know just what a backwater you are!

BTW. There’s a phone number and address on the water bill, in case you want to let them know what you think.   ; )

WWJND? means,’what would Jesus not do?’

Actually, in this case, it’s about what Jesus should have done when he came down to Earth, but didn’t. I mean like stuff that’s actually useful, such as revealing some great medical insight, or ending world hunger, or even simply promoting equality between men and women.

This is a long standing criticism of Jesus that desperately needs to be answered.

So just watch this hilarious vid. You damn well know Jesus wouldn’t!

This sign about what to do if you encounter a mountain lion left me wondering what it would look like if it were written strictly according to advice found in the Bible. So, I did a little bit of research and designed a Christian mountain lion motivational poster based on what I found.

After the poster, you’ll find the Bible passages that I drew upon for inspiration. I chose to quote the King James Version because the old style is funky and, as you’ll see, it’s got unicorns in!

'Have faith in God' Motivational poster

Here is the explanation, together with Bible quotes:

1. Praise God and be filled with confidence. He put this mountain lion there on purpose to test your faith. Have faith in God and you will have no trouble approaching the mountain lion safely because God’s right hand will save you.

¹I will praise thee with my whole heart: before the gods will I sing praise unto thee.

²I will worship toward thy holy temple, and praise thy name for thy loving kindness and for thy truth: for thou hast magnified thy word above all thy name.

³In the day when I cried thou answered me, and strengthened me with strength in my soul.

⁴All the kings of the earth shall praise thee, O LORD, when they hear the words of thy mouth.

⁵Yea, they shall sing in the ways of the LORD: for great is the glory of the LORD.

⁶Though the LORD be high, yet hath he respect unto the lowly: but the proud he knoweth afar off.

⁷Though I walk in the midst of trouble, thou wilt revive me: thou shalt stretch forth thine hand against the wrath of mine enemies, and thy right hand shall save me.

⁸The LORD will perfect that which concerneth me: thy mercy, O LORD, endureth for ever: forsake not the works of thine own hands.

Psalm 138

2. Actually, to be saved you have to ask first. Ask God to save you from the mountain lion by singing Psalm 22:21 over and over.

Save me from the lion’s mouth: for thou hast heard me from the horns of the unicorns.

Psalm 22:21

3. If you have any children with you, begin to sacrifice them to God. If you don’t have a knife handy, you can try throwing them to the mountain lion. God won’t actually let you do it, but this act will prove to him just how strong your faith is.

¹⁰And Abraham stretched forth his hand, and took the knife to slay his son.

¹¹And the angel of the LORD called unto him out of heaven, and said, Abraham, Abraham: and he said, Here am I.

¹²And he said, Lay not thine hand upon the lad, neither do thou any thing unto him: for now I know that thou fearest God, seeing thou hast not withheld thy son, thine only son from me.

Genesis 22:10-12

4. Have faith in God and he will do as you ask and intervene to save you from the mountain lion and make sure you are unharmed.

And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive.

Matthew 21:22

Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth.

Mark 9:23

That’s it! Now go home and pray to God to save the millions of sick and starving children all over the world with the same absolute faith that convinced him to save you from the mountain lion.

On the other hand, if you’re one of those who doesn’t believe in the Bible and you ever encounter a mountain lion (or any other kind of lion), good luck buddy. You’re on your own!

So, do you have enough faith to make this work? Got any better suggestions for dealing with a fierce mountain lion? Post a comment and let me know.

Satanism FAIL! That's a Jewish Star of David you dumbass.

“Look at me and cower in fear! Look at this Satanic symbol I carved into my own flesh with a sharp knife to honor the Prince of Darkness, Beelzebub himself. Don’t you think I’m cool with this awesome pentagram scar you little emo bitches? Dontcha?”

Wait… WHAT? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5… er… 6.

That’s no pentagram you bleeding idiot! That’s a six-pointed Star of David. Epic Satanic FAIL, douchebag! You tried to carve the mark of the beast and instead you ended up with a scar that proves what a total fool you are.

Now go get yourself a bris!

WTF is it doing?

Did you see that? I mean WTF?

This new image, published today by NASA’s Chandra X-Ray Observatory now shows two ‘hands of God’.  OK, so they are not actually hands of God, but what the hell are they doing?

Pulsar PSR B1509-58 has spawned a twin and together they seem to be up to something, and I’m not sure it looks good.

I know NASA said that the whole pulsar ‘hand of God’ phenomenon is some 17,000 light years away, so I shouldn’t be too worried. But what if they’re wrong?

Is this some cosmic vortex opening up to swallow the universe? Could it be a giant wormhole about to unleash a gargantuan fleet of mega destroyers upon us? Or is the universe just giving us some kind of cosmic sign. If so, what is it trying to say?

If you have any idea, let me know.

Oh shit! I think I’m in trouble. NASA’s Chandra X-Ray Observatory has spotted the cosmic hand of God.

I know they’re saying it is just some x-rays coming out of a nebula surrounding a pulsar dubbed PSR B1509-58. And I know the folks at Chandra say they have added the blue colour themselves to make the x-rays show up. But I’m not taking any chances. I mean would you? Look at that hand, it’s so real. It has to be God’s. At least he’s not sticking out his cosmic middle finger at me… I guess.

I’m going to believe whatever I have to. I’m going to ask for forgiveness. I’m going to do what it takes to make sure that those cosmic x-ray fingers don’t reach down and twist my head off.

Hand of God or just PSR B1509-58? Depends on who you ask.

NOT!

As NASA said in a release, “The pulsar is a rapidly spinning neutron star which is spewing energy out into the space around it to create complex and intriguing structures, including one that resembles a large cosmic hand.”

And yet, there will always be people who will ignore the magnificent beauty of such a phenomenon like PSR B1509-58 and see in it what they want to and nothing else.

But hey, what could you expect from someone who calls herself godsmiraclegirl333? She says:

Although it can be explained scientifically, I don’t live in a scientific world. I live in spirit and in truth just as it is written. GOD created man. Man created science. So obviously who created science? If you disagree, then that’s fine. hehehe!

I can joke about 6000-year old earths and buried dinosaur fossils, but comments like that just make me cringe.

And she’s not alone, of course. It took me all of two minutes to dig up some more crap with people quoting stuff like:

Isaiah 48:13

“Surely My hand founded the earth,
And My right hand spread out the heavens…”

and

1 Peter 5:6

Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time…

Seeing this, and imagining that His hand is really there, I am humbled just thinking of how mighty He is

and in response to criticism, answering:

well, the alternative is:

ATHEISM

The belief that there was nothing and nothing happened to nothing and then nothing magically exploded for no reason, creating everything and then a bunch of everything magically rearranged itself for no reason what so ever into self-replicating bits which then turned into dinosaurs.

Makes perfect sense.

I wish that pulsar could change into a real cosmic hand, pick up purveyors of such blatant ignorance off the face of the Earth and fling them into a black hole or something.

I think maybe I’ll just keep my fingers crossed. After all, in a quantum universe, anything is possible, right?